


Until this Day my Heart has Yearned

by Emsiecat



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bilbo yearns to be part of a family again, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, M/M, Oblivious Bilbo, Thorin is a Softie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 12:50:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18638476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emsiecat/pseuds/Emsiecat
Summary: 29th April is my birthday! So, as per Hobbit tradition, I'm gifting the fandom with this little fic I wrote.-Bilbo had lived his life in solitude since his parents' death. He had thought that the life of a bachelor alone in Bag End suited him just fine. That is until he went on an adventure with a group of dwarves and realised his heart had started to yearn to be part of a family again.





	Until this Day my Heart has Yearned

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by art that kaciart posted on tumblr way back in 2013: https://kaciart.tumblr.com/post/41343281446
> 
> After stumbling upon this a few days ago I just couldn't shake Bilbo's poor face from my head, and decided I wanted to write a fic about it.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> This work is unbeta'd so please feel free to point out any glaring grammar mistakes in the comments so I can fix them.

It was safe to say that Bilbo had not thought much of family while on the dangerous quest to reclaim Erebor. Excepting perhaps his homesickness during the first leg of their journey, and his speech to the dwarves regarding home outside the Goblin Tunnels, the hobbit had found very little time following this to dwell on matters of the hearth, and less still to consider the complexities of kinship.

As their journey had progressed, Bilbo had found certain camaraderie with the dwarves. It had been a rather unusual feeling, but certainly a welcome one, and had warmed the hobbit even better than their nightly campfires or the ale in Laketown.

He had become thoughtful that night before they had journeyed to the mountain to find the door, as he was wont to do when he was deep in his cups, and had finally allowed himself to think on what he had gained.

He had not expected to gain much of anything on this adventure. Indeed, there was far more for him to _lose_ than to gain, including his fourteenth share of the treasure, which he honestly had no interest in accepting at all. How was he even supposed to travel home with a tonne of treasure in tow anyway?...

Regardless, Bilbo had hummed a soft tune, cheeks warm from the alcohol and muzzily considered matters, as they stood, while regarding the dwarves merry-making.

He had grown to care for them all dearly in these last few months. In fact, Bilbo could not recall a time since his parents' had passed where he had felt so close to any other folk as he did right now.

True, Bilbo had relations in the Shire; a passel of distant cousins and aunts and uncles, and a few hobbits whom he could call 'friends', but family? True family to share all the best and the worst and his affection with? Bilbo had not experienced that for many a year.

His thoughts had wandered then; eyes settling first on Balin, as dear to Bilbo now as his own grandfather had been. Full of wit and wisdom and wonderful tales. To Óin and Glóin, Bifur and Dori: All wonderfully protective souls and quick to draw Bilbo into friendly conversation or to share their expertise on surviving in the wilds. Such fellows would make wonderful uncles, Bilbo surmised.

Bofur, Nori, Bombur, Dwalin, and Ori were like the siblings Bilbo had never had. There had been times growing up where (although grateful not to have to share his parents' attention and affection with many other fauntlings as his cousins had to), that Bilbo had secretly longed for even just one brother or sister in which to find a kindred spirit. Strange and wondrous really, how he now felt he may have found such a thing amongst a group of rough-and-tumble dwarrow. 

And as for Fíli and Kíli? Well, Bilbo had never desired to have any children of his own; he just wasn't the paternal type. However, the two young dwarrow had somehow managed to worm their way into his heart anyway, and now Bilbo could only feel a fierce sort of protective affection for them. Not fatherly, not quite, but Bilbo supposed he might have made a decent uncle if given the chance. After all, Thorin-

Well…

He was another kettle of fish entirely…

Bilbo could not find the words to describe what Thorin was to him. He could not apply any familial title to the soon-to-be King Under the Mountain, it just didn't sit right. However, Bilbo felt that same tenderness in his heart when he let his eyes settle on their noble leader as he felt when he looked at any of the others.

Or rather… perhaps not _quite_ the same…

The warm fizz rising in his cheeks and pooling in his stomach was not solely from the alcohol now; Bilbo could be honest enough with himself to admit that.

With Durin's Day looming and a dragon to face however, Bilbo was loathe to let the name of the feeling he had come to the forefront of his mind.

Thorin had looked up then, feeling eyes on him, and caught Bilbo's gaze. His own eyes crinkling at the corners with the breadth of the smile he bestowed upon the hobbit and just as wondering as Bilbo had witnessed when he had vouched for Thorin in front of the townsfolk.

Bilbo returned the smile with what must have been a slightly daft grin of his own before ducking his head to make a study of his mug of ale.

Maybe… maybe after all this was over he could ponder precisely _what_ Thorin was to him.

 

* * *

 

After, _after_ did not come in the way he had hoped.

It was a mark of how unprepared for an adventure Bilbo truly had been that he had not allowed himself to contemplate fell deeds, a very much living dragon, or great battles and near death to be amongst the outcomes of reaching the Lonely Mountain.

Not to mention the possibility of Dragon Sickness even after overhearing Elrond and Gandalf discuss such things in Rivendell.

Such things had occurred however, though thankfully, Thorin had broken free of the sickness and he and his nephews had survived the battle, were recovering, and in time the restoration of Erebor could begin.

Bilbo had naturally refused to leave following the battle, at least until Thorin, Fíli, and Kíli were back on their feet again.

The winter months had slowly melted into spring, and Thorin and Bilbo had completely mended their friendship and strengthened it further still through many a conversation had whilst Thorin was confined to bed-rest.

The three dwarves healed and Gandalf announced his impending return westward and his offer to escort Bilbo home.

But Bilbo found he could no more leave than sprout wings and fly. Not now, that he had gained such companionship amongst the dwarves.

And so Gandalf had left, with a promise to ensure all was well in the Shire, and to have some of Bilbo's belongings sent along with the first of the Company's kin to return to Erebor.

The Company had seemed elated with the prospect of Bilbo staying longer and Bilbo had once again contemplated 'family' and his burgeoning hope that he might call his fellow travellers such.

 

* * *

 

It seemed however, that Bilbo had let his hopes and his heart run away with him.

With the caravans from Ered Luin had come the Company's _real_ families, and Bilbo did not think he could be part of them.

Perhaps he had been foolish to think that their relationships would remain unchanged and as close as they had been once the journey was complete, but it still hurt not to see his family- no his friends, as often as he would like these days.

They were busy more often than not; rebuilding a kingdom was no small task after all. It was only natural then that any free time they had they would want to spend with their relations. Therefore, Bilbo kept his distance in order to let his dwarrow spend time with their _real_ families, and not a visiting hobbit. Besides, he wanted to try to prove to himself that he could be as useful as any in helping the kingdom flourish once more and so he tried to convince himself that he was perfectly content with his own company, as he had been for years. Nevertheless, Bilbo oft found himself feeling lonely, and then promptly and soundly scolding himself for having such selfish thoughts.

_It's not as if I'm any worse off than I was in the Shire. I lived alone and without companionship there, and there was no close family to whom I was attached anyway. At least here the dwarves accept me as I am and don't try to pigeon-hole me as either too Took or too Baggins to be either one entirely. Here I just have to be Bilbo, and that's enough for them.  
_

It was a consoling thought, but did not completely ease the sting of watching the Company interact with their own day after day when he had no true family here, just as he had no true family in the Shire, at least not in a long time.

Bilbo had taken solace in the fact that Thorin was still eager to seek him out for company. Whether it be for advice (and wasn't that something, a great king of dwarves asking a _hobbit_ for counsel), to share a meal or a pipe, to read a book, or simply to pass the time in comfortable conversation, Bilbo could rely on Thorin including him in almost anything.

It was enough, Bilbo concluded, that he had the ear and the friendship of the king, and if on occasion his traitorous heart longed for something more, well it was a fairly simple matter to ignore it.

All this threatened to change however, on the first Sterday of Afterlithe (or _Âfghelekvust_ as he'd heard the dwarrow refer to it as).

Bilbo had been on his way from the library to meet Thorin for lunch when he had heard Fíli and Kíli's voices from 'round a corner.

Both were loud and boisterous, so this in itself was not remarkable. However, what _was_ remarkable was the truly joyous cadence of Thorin's voice.

Bilbo could not be certain of what they spoke, as the trio were conversing in Khuzdul, but as the hobbit peeked around the corner he could tell that whatever it was had made all three dwarves incredibly happy.   

Fíli was smiling ear to ear, and wearing a slightly misty-eyed expression and Kíli's hands waved animatedly as he spoke, clearly tripping over his words in excitement. As for Thorin, well Bilbo did not think he had ever seen the dwarf look so happy before in all the time he had known him. He was smiling as broadly as his nephews were and had clasped each on the shoulder before giving a light-hearted laugh and pulling them into a rough embrace.

It was a lovely sight to behold, heart-warming, and Bilbo did his best to fight off the tiny curl of envy he felt at witnessing it as he stepped out to join them.

As if sensing someone there, Thorin turned infinitesimally to catch sight of Bilbo standing in the hallway with them and so slipped smoothly back into Westron.

"- Ah Bilbo, we've just had some news!" -here he turned to Kíli- "Did they give any indication as to when?"

" _Abkân-nurt_. Oh, that is, Highday- I think." Kíli replied, eyes dancing with joy as he turned first to his uncle, then to Bilbo.

"Aye." That was Fíli, whose voice was just a touch breathless, as if he had ran with his brother to meet with Thorin to tell him this news. "Ma has sent us a letter, Bilbo. She will be arriving with the next caravan!" The prince waved the dog-eared piece of parchment that was clasped firmly in his fist and threw his arm around Thorin's shoulder once more.

"That's wonderful!"

And it was, truly it was. Bilbo knew that Fíli and Kíli had missed their mother, especially during their convalescence, and Thorin had confessed to Bilbo that his sister was better than he was at trade negotiations so would be an asset to the kingdom when she eventually arrived.

However, the knowledge that Dís would soon arrive made Bilbo feel as if a heavy stone was weighing upon his chest. When Dís arrived, Thorin would no doubt turn to her for counsel rather than an inexperienced hobbit. Not to mention that since she had been apart from her brother and sons for well over a year they would all want to make up for lost time as well, which would undoubtedly mean that Bilbo would feel it was his duty to distance himself from them as he had with the rest of the Company.

He would be alone again.

Bilbo swallowed thickly against rush of bitterness he felt with this new knowledge and did his best to match Fíli and Kíli's enthusiasm with a grin of his own.

Something in his expression must have given him away though, as although the two younger dwarves seemed fooled, Thorin's smile fell somewhat and he reached out as if to touch Bilbo's shoulder, lips parted like he wanted to question the hobbit.

Bilbo startled then, afraid that he had been too obvious and quickly gave the three a small bow and a hurried excuse.

"Well, I expect you all need some time to prepare things if Dís will be arriving so soon. I was just going to grab a bite to eat from the kitchens and return to the library anyway, lots to do you know, so I will see you this evening-"

"Bilbo, I thought- weren't we to have lunch together-?"

"Yes well- I don't wish to keep you, Thorin. I will see you at dinner."

It was rude certainly, and Bilbo could almost hear his father's admonishments as he turned on his heel and scurried away, but he could not face Thorin with this bitterness thrumming in his veins. He would calm himself and then apologise later.

It was fine, he was fine. He was just being foolish and had let himself be carried away with thoughts of family and possible love and all that rubbish.

 _Love_? Oh dear, he really had become carried away hadn't he.

"Stupid fool," he cursed himself quietly under his breath and all but ran back to the desk in the small nook he'd been ensconced in since this morning, forgoing the kitchens altogether and hoping that if he hid himself behind a tall enough stack of books, he might not be disturbed.

He didn't read a single word. Instead, Bilbo simply played idly with a quill as he pondered the ache that seemed present behind his ribs whenever he considered the word 'family' these days.

He knew in his heart of hearts he was envious of the dwarrow and their close connections with one another, but he could not honestly say it was a bitter jealousy. He could not begrudge them their families, and certainly, he would never wish loneliness upon any of them, especially not Thorin.

Still, it hurt, and Bilbo couldn't help but yearn for the closeness the Company had with each other.

Sighing, and allowing his head to lie upon his folded arms, Bilbo tried to will away that self-pity and concentrate on the joy his dwarrow now had. They truly deserved it, and he should simply be happy for them and that was that.

 

* * *

 

Between missing lunch and the still quiet of the library, Bilbo must have dozed off, because when he next opened his eyes it was to a crick in his back and the sight of Thorin stood before his desk; eyes full of kind concern.

"Thorin?"

It was Thorin's hand, warm on his shoulder that must have woken him, and Bilbo sat up with a small wince and wriggle of his nose as he blinked up blearily at the king.

"I was hoping I might find you here. There is something I wished to discuss with you." Thorin began quietly and without preamble.

Oh dear. His rudeness in the hall.

In a moment, Bilbo had rubbed away the last vestiges of sleep from his eyes and fluttered his hands at the dwarf, bidding him to sit down. "Yes, yes of course. I'm terribly sorry about my behaviour earlier. I hope I didn't offend-"

"Bilbo, I'm not entirely sure what it is you think you need to apologise for, but I'm not here to… berate you for any misplaced transgression you think you have committed."

"Oh but I- I just-… what _did_ you wish to talk to me about, Thorin?"

If Thorin had not taken offence at his hasty retreat before then there was no need to remind him, but Bilbo was curious now.

"I wanted to know if you were feeling well." There was that friendly concern again, that knowing, searching look as Thorin's eyes roved over Bilbo's face causing the tips of the hobbit's ears to flush under the scrutiny.

"Of course. Why would I not be?"

"The Company have noticed you have become distant recently. You spend less time with them and talk with them less."

"What?" Bilbo's brow furrowed. It was true he _had_ become more distant, but that had been in deference to the Company's families. He'd presumed that they would want to spend time reacquainting with their close kin, he had not thought anyone would notice his absence.

"The others are wondering if perhaps you are feeling homesick. You have been away from the Shire for a long time now." There was something in Thorin's gaze, and if Bilbo could hazard a guess, he might call it sorrow.

It was not an expression Bilbo liked to see on any of his friends, particularly not Thorin, and so hastened to explain himself.

"No it's not- I'm not _homesick_ , Thorin." Bilbo took a fortifying breath, contemplating briefly how best to explain his actions to the dwarf, before he continued. "It's fair foolish really… but have you wondered why, if I was truly homesick, that I have not yet left for the Shire?"

"The thought had crossed my mind, aye. I did not wish to bring it up however and risk upsetting you or making you think that you were not welcome here."

"It is because I don't really have anything to go back _to_."

"But your house- your smial-"

"- Is just that. A _house_ , a place where _things_ are kept, but it is not a home, not anymore."

"Bilbo…"

There it was again, that look of concerned sorrow, and with Thorin now sitting just across from him, his expression was all the closer and so that much more intense.

Bilbo wet his lips and fidgeted, wringing his hands a little, wondering how much he should say when Thorin reached out and gently caught Bilbo's hands in his to still them.

And just like that the dam broke, and Bilbo found himself speaking the truth, all of it, barely even thinking, only hoping that Thorin would not think him a prize idiot once he learnt of Bilbo's feelings.

"Bag End was built by my father for my mother when they were courting, did I ever tell you that? Well- naturally it holds many fond memories for me, and is indeed a very fine place to live but… it is rather on the empty side these days." There was a rather rough, thickened quality to Bilbo's voice that Thorin did not want to mention but that made the dwarf wish to offer some kind of condolence. He let the hobbit continue uninterrupted however, only offering unspoken support by tenderly squeezing the hands still within his grasp. "When my father built Bag End, I believe he and my mother envisioned a lot of fauntlings, a large family much like most others in the Shire. However, there was only ever me… and after they died well-, I thought that living alone was just what a confirmed bachelor would prefer, or at least that was what I told myself, but now? Let's just say the prospect of returning to Bag End alone after having been travelling with you all for so long does not seem as welcoming a prospect as I supposed it would when we first set out."

Thorin frowned at the picture painted by Bilbo's words. Bag End was a very fine place, but Bilbo was correct that the place was empty and far too big from what Thorin could remember of it for just one hobbit. Lifting one of his hands from Bilbo's, Thorin cupped the hobbit's cheek to lift Bilbo's gaze from the desk he was smiling a little tightly at so that he could look at him properly instead.

"You must know that you will always be welcome here. If you do not wish to return to the Shire, you can stay here permanently."

Bilbo sighed, and to Thorin's pleasant surprise actually seemed to nuzzle into his palm slightly, though his smile had turned maudlin.

"That's part of the problem though. I do wish to stay here, but I feel that much like Bag End, there might not be anything here for me either."

"How do you mean?"

"Just as I have no close family left in Hobbiton, I have no family here. I had started to think of us all- the Company I mean- as a family while we were still on the journey. Which was silly I know but- well… I suppose deep down I've always been a little bit sentimental like that." Bilbo huffed, a self-depreciating little sound, and continued. "Now though, all your families are returning to Erebor, and I'm happy for you, honestly I am, but- well I'm not a member of any family here am I, and I didn't wish to get in the way of your reunions so-"

"That is why you have distanced yourself from the others." Thorin finished for him and Bilbo gave a jerky little nod, a slow rueful lip-twitch and another wriggle of his nose.

A thumb brushed Bilbo's cheek, Thorin's hand still affectionately cradling his jaw, and the hobbit felt that he should probably be embarrassed by this prolonged contact, but instead found that he was rather greedily luxuriating in Thorin's touch.

"So today when Fíli and Kíli mentioned Dís returning?"

"It's childish I know, but I feared that I might have to distance myself from you three as well, and it hurt a little I suppose." Bilbo admitted, clearly annoyed with himself.

Thorin moved away and stood then, and for one awful moment, Bilbo thought he might leave. Instead, the dwarf simply moved around the desk in order to sit himself beside Bilbo instead, both hands now coming up to cup the hobbit's cheeks and bring their foreheads together affectionately.

"You are right, it is fair foolish." Bilbo frowned, lips thinning in displeasure, but Thorin continued, his nose brushing Bilbo's briefly as if in apology. "After all, I don't believe any of us have ever expressed a desire for you to distance yourself."

Bilbo was somewhat flustered by the closeness, but not so much that he couldn't argue his point. "But their families, they need- and I'm not-"

"You are one of _us_ , Bilbo Baggins. You are _Khuzdbâha_ at the very least, but I know for a fact that any of our Company would willingly refer to you as _Nadad_."

Dwarves were not free with their culture or their mother tongue, Bilbo knew this, but one could not travel with thirteen dwarves for months on end and not pick up a little of their language here and there.

He had heard both terms before, and the significance of their meaning was enough to make Bilbo blink back tears and fight a grin that seemed to want to usurp his lips despite the tightness in his throat.

He did feel rather guilty for then questioning the dwarf further, but he simply _had_ to make sure. "And you're certain that this- that you're not saying this just because you feel sorry for me?"

Thorin exhaled the sound suspiciously like exasperation, but his lips quirked and he lifted one hand from Bilbo's cheek to gently tug at a lock of his hair. "I should probably be offended that you need to ask… but is it so hard to believe that I-we - _all of us_ , might want you to be part of our family? After all that you have done for us, and all we have endured together, and the bonds we have made on our journey here. We would be more than happy to call you one of our own."

"Well, when you put it like that. It's not so hard to believe at all."

"I'm glad to hear it."

Thorin finally leaned back, and Bilbo barely had time to wonder at how close they had been and the implications of it before Thorin had caught hold of Bilbo's hand once more and brought it to his lips to press a soft kiss to his knuckles.

Bilbo's eyes widened as he caught Thorin's gaze. It was wary and oddly nervous, but painfully hopeful as well. It was an expression he recalled witnessing when Thorin had first woken from his unconscious state following the battle, and back then, Bilbo had merely chalked it up to his own exhaustion and relief reading into things that weren't there.

Now though, with Thorin's assurances that he was valued as kin, as family, and the intimacy they had shared not moments before; Bilbo was beginning to wonder if maybe he hadn't been foolish to hope for more after all.

Thorin smiled then, a quick, slightly uncertain little thing, and finally spoke again, his voice barely a murmur.  "And... if I may say. I would be more than happy, honoured in fact, to call you _my_ own, if you were willing."

Oh!

Bilbo flushed to the roots of his hair, unable to keep the smile from his face as somehow _both_ his dearest wishes were granted in the space of a day.

 _Someone should really warn Thorin that being so ridiculously romantic doesn't exactly encourage respectable behaviour._ Bilbo mused as he swooped in, and pressed a quick, chaste kiss to the dwarf's lips, a spark of mischief in his eyes.

"Well now, I suppose _courting_ one of you truly would lead to me to being a proper family member in due course, hm? What a wonderful idea."

Thorin smirked, returning the kiss with one just a little more lingering than the first. "I thought so. Definitely one of my better ones."

Bilbo laughed, pulling Thorin into yet another kiss or three. He certainly didn't feel alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:  
> Âfghelekvust - 'Moon of Good Health / Moon of Drunkeness' The ninth month in the Dwarvish calendar.  
> Abkân-nurt - Friday  
> Khuzdbâha - Dwarf-friend  
> Nadad - Brother


End file.
